Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
