Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
