WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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