Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
