I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
