a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im holly from the hills drunk
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
