i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
