Jerry, you need to find god
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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