This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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