Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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