Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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