I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
