seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
