Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
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