I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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