Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
