she woke up with a sticky ear
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
