My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
