I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
