we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
