So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
