chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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