why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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