I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
