oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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