you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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