mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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