I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
