god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
