Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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