You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
