I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
