I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
