apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Randomize
