My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
