Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
