Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
