I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
