Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
