Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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