i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
