if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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