I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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