You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
