If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
