apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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