My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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