Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
