you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
