i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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