My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
