Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
