She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You smell like stripper and shame
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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