He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
