i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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